‘What exactly is compassion then’, is a question I have faced a few times by clients. Paul Gilbert, the author of ‘The Compassionate Mind’, offers the following definition: ‘Compassion can be defined as behaviour that aims to nurture, look after, teach, guide, mentor, soothe, protect, offer feelings of acceptance and belonging – in order to benefit another person’ (and ourselves, as in ‘self-compassion’).
Through a lot of conversations on this, with friends, clients and colleagues, there seem to be a lot of misunderstanding around this topic. For example, people have wondered if it is something ‘selfish’ (especially when we talk about self-compassion) or something that will make them look ‘soft’ and ‘weak’ that could potentially allow others to take advantage of them.
So, I wanted to clarify, that first of all, no, it is not selfish. Becoming more self-compassionate (and especially if you are quite self-critical) means that you are trying to teach yourself to be more tolerant and accepting of yourself, your thoughts and emotions. It is a kind and considerate effort to give a message to your own self that ‘this is the way I am at the moment, no matter if I still struggle with things and have flaws, which is to be expected actually as I am only human’. You need that genuine understanding first and foremost. Then you can move towards deciding when and how you may want to start addressing and changing certain things in yourself, that perhaps have led to suffering i.e. excessive self-criticisms. You will need to focus a significant amount of time and effort to gradually achieve such a shift. So, initially it may look and feel selfish. This is a constructive type of selfishness though as eventually, those close to you will also stand to benefit from these changes. For example, as you become more self-nurturing, you may discover that you become calmer overall, more tolerant, more accepting, more attentive and responsive to other peoples’ needs. And to be able to do the latter, you need to look after yourself first.
But is it then a ‘weakness’ to be kind, caring and compassionate towards others? Absolutely NOT. Something that is important to remember is that setting very clear boundaries with others is part of being compassionate. So, because you care and you may be interested in other people and their well being, whether this may be a colleague, a friend, a relative, a stranger, it does not mean that you have to tolerate transgressions or any kind of abuse. That would not be compassionate to yourself or to the other person either, as it would be sending a message that it is ok to behave inappropriately. So, boundaries are paramount. Clear and caring assertiveness are also key. Highlighting inappropriate behaviours (depending on setting and context) is also important. It is the WHY and the HOW you are going to do it, that matters. It is one thing to do it, with genuine curiosity, kindness and interest in someone else’s well-being and quite another to do it in anger and with an urge to punish.
Being compassionate is also key if you are in a managerial position too. Employees that feel listened to and cared for, can experience better mental health, being more able to concentrate and be creative and productive. So, it benefits them, their managers, their organisation and their customers/clients. What’s not to like.
From even a bigger picture perspective, I would definitely argue that if anything we need more compassionate, tolerant, accepting people in the world. The hectic lifestyles that we live, play a significant role adding to daily stress levels, dissatisfaction and exhaustion that any shred of kindness and empathy and compassion to our fellow human beings switches off. Watching the news, local, national and international, it seems to me that we have enough bullies, intolerant and selfish people to create wars, discontent and general havoc on all levels of life.
But here is the beauty: I genuinely believe that most human beings are indeed kind and considerate. It is a sometimes vocal minority that ruin things for most. In any case we all have the capacity to improve our own self-compassion and self-care and to then have enough energy and motivation to also look after those around us. And this is how we can transform ourselves and the world for the better. This is the Power of Compassion.
So, look after yourselves. You need it, you deserve it, especially if you feel you don’t. And those around you too, who also happen to be human beings like you, they also need it. They are not that different to you. We all just found ourselves here, on this planet, at this time, without having any choice about it, in the ‘flow of life’ (as Paul Gilbert often reminds us of).
The Compassionate Mind Foundation https://www.compassionatemind.co.uk
The Compassionate Mind (Compassion Focused Therapy) Paperback – 7 Jan. 2010, By Paul Gilbert
Diomidis Psomas 