Often when we talk to each other, we have different aims; could simply be a transaction, an exchange of information, an opportunity to resolve something or an effort to connect and/or be soothed (a totally natural and human need).
Do you know what you are aiming or hoping for when you initiate a conversation? Do you know or recognise what the other person may want or need from a conversation?
If not, then there can be a mismatch and frustration, tension, sadness, sense of rejection, disappointment and even anger may follow. (by the way drop expectations and aim for clarity).
Click on the link below; Charles Duhigg, an American Journalist, explains simply 3 different types of conversation and how to recognise or initiate….and as a result, instead of misunderstandings and frustrations, to get the maximum satisfaction and sometimes sense of deep connection too. Specially if you want to share distress, trauma experiences, vulnerable emotions; and need to be heard and feel understood and connected, rather than being given ‘advice’.
Trauma is everywhere. Look closer, as Besser Van Der Kolk suggests in the video below (only about 8 mins long).
Contrary to old popular beliefs, a lot of people have experienced a (or a number of) traumatic events and experience the consequences of it. Sometimes, people do not even know that this is the case. So, the question never is ‘what is wrong with you’, but ‘what has happened to you‘! Even a lot of professionals ask the first question rather than the latter (and they reinforce your feeling that there is something wrong with you). I often find that the lack of knowledge and experience around what trauma is, how often it happens and how it affects people, is astonishing.
You cannot be ‘fixed’, if you have experienced trauma. Being ‘fixed’, would imply there is something ‘broken’ within you. There isn’t ! I know you may not feel that, but there honestly isn’t. The experiences and problems you have due to trauma, are a normal response to very adverse and/or unusual circumstances/environments.
So, you really cannot be ‘fixed’ because you are really not ‘broken’. But you could be healed and supported to overcome the challenging consequences of trauma. This is a fact nowadays. So, please, reach out to health professionals and seek help; you need it, you deserve it (even if you don’t feel it) and it does exist.
Schema Therapy is a well established, evidenced-based Psychological Therapy for long-term and complex difficulties, including interpersonal challenges and emotional dysregulation. It is highly effective, makes intuitive sense to people when introduced to it, albeit quite demanding. Hence it is not a first line of treatment usually.
People easily start making sense of Schemas and modes which go a long way towards explaining why people feel the way they do, and behave the way they do. It is amazing the relief experienced already when things make sense and people don’t feel like ‘they might be going crazy’ anymore.
For more information on Schema Therapy please visit my page on Schema Therapy and download my leaflet and/or visit the International Society of Schema Therapy https://schematherapysociety.org/
A rather more recent and highly promising development on Schema Therapy has come from a colleague in Australia, Megan Fry, Clinical Psychologist and Advanced Schema Therapist. She coined the term ‘The Soldier Mode’. She has adapted the model to support veterans during and after their adjustment to civilian life. It is a great way to help them understand how things changed for them when they were conditioned to become Soldiers and how their basic emotional needs were pushed aside, ‘The Lost Self’ mode. This is because the latter is not useful for the military. If any traumas then experienced whilst serving, Soldiers end up with the ‘Wounded Soldier’ mode that includes any military related traumas and connects to the ‘Lost self’ which can include traumas/difficulties from before joining the military.
The above diagram gives a flavour of the process.
The whole model is appropriate for any ex-military personnel. It is flexible and appropriately adaptable.
So, if you are a veteran, please remember that Psychological Therapies could help. Seek support from the NHS, or specialist NHS services like MVS (Military Veterans’ Service) based in Bury, OpCourage, Combat Stress and a host of other Veterans’ charities.
I appreciate that veterans struggle to ask for help and women veterans in particular as well as LGBTQ+ veterans often feel excluded. It should not be this way. It does not have to be this way. Services are evolving and adapting. Please do not suffer in silence. Reach out. There is hope as well as genuine expertise out there for you.
Diomidis Psomas 