Trauma is everywhere. Look closer, as Besser Van Der Kolk suggests in the video below (only about 8 mins long).
Contrary to old popular beliefs, a lot of people have experienced a (or a number of) traumatic events and experience the consequences of it. Sometimes, people do not even know that this is the case. So, the question never is ‘what is wrong with you’, but ‘what has happened to you‘! Even a lot of professionals ask the first question rather than the latter (and they reinforce your feeling that there is something wrong with you). I often find that the lack of knowledge and experience around what trauma is, how often it happens and how it affects people, is astonishing.
You cannot be ‘fixed’, if you have experienced trauma. Being ‘fixed’, would imply there is something ‘broken’ within you. There isn’t ! I know you may not feel that, but there honestly isn’t. The experiences and problems you have due to trauma, are a normal response to very adverse and/or unusual circumstances/environments.
So, you really cannot be ‘fixed’ because you are really not ‘broken’. But you could be healed and supported to overcome the challenging consequences of trauma. This is a fact nowadays. So, please, reach out to health professionals and seek help; you need it, you deserve it (even if you don’t feel it) and it does exist.
Schema Therapy is a well established, evidenced-based Psychological Therapy for long-term and complex difficulties, including interpersonal challenges and emotional dysregulation. It is highly effective, makes intuitive sense to people when introduced to it, albeit quite demanding. Hence it is not a first line of treatment usually.
People easily start making sense of Schemas and modes which go a long way towards explaining why people feel the way they do, and behave the way they do. It is amazing the relief experienced already when things make sense and people don’t feel like ‘they might be going crazy’ anymore.
For more information on Schema Therapy please visit my page on Schema Therapy and download my leaflet and/or visit the International Society of Schema Therapy https://schematherapysociety.org/
A rather more recent and highly promising development on Schema Therapy has come from a colleague in Australia, Megan Fry, Clinical Psychologist and Advanced Schema Therapist. She coined the term ‘The Soldier Mode’. She has adapted the model to support veterans during and after their adjustment to civilian life. It is a great way to help them understand how things changed for them when they were conditioned to become Soldiers and how their basic emotional needs were pushed aside, ‘The Lost Self’ mode. This is because the latter is not useful for the military. If any traumas then experienced whilst serving, Soldiers end up with the ‘Wounded Soldier’ mode that includes any military related traumas and connects to the ‘Lost self’ which can include traumas/difficulties from before joining the military.
The above diagram gives a flavour of the process.
The whole model is appropriate for any ex-military personnel. It is flexible and appropriately adaptable.
So, if you are a veteran, please remember that Psychological Therapies could help. Seek support from the NHS, or specialist NHS services like MVS (Military Veterans’ Service) based in Bury, OpCourage, Combat Stress and a host of other Veterans’ charities.
I appreciate that veterans struggle to ask for help and women veterans in particular as well as LGBTQ+ veterans often feel excluded. It should not be this way. It does not have to be this way. Services are evolving and adapting. Please do not suffer in silence. Reach out. There is hope as well as genuine expertise out there for you.
‘What exactly is compassion then’, is a question I have faced a few times by clients. Paul Gilbert, the author of ‘The Compassionate Mind’, offers the following definition: ‘Compassion can be defined as behaviour that aims to nurture, look after, teach, guide, mentor, soothe, protect, offer feelings of acceptance and belonging – in order to benefit another person’ (and ourselves, as in ‘self-compassion’).
Through a lot of conversations on this, with friends, clients and colleagues, there seem to be a lot of misunderstanding around this topic. For example, people have wondered if it is something ‘selfish’ (especially when we talk about self-compassion) or something that will make them look ‘soft’ and ‘weak’ that could potentially allow others to take advantage of them.
So, I wanted to clarify, that first of all, no, it is not selfish. Becoming more self-compassionate (and especially if you are quite self-critical) means that you are trying to teach yourself to be more tolerant and accepting of yourself, your thoughts and emotions. It is a kind and considerate effort to give a message to your own self that ‘this is the way I am at the moment, no matter if I still struggle with things and have flaws, which is to be expected actually as I am only human’. You need that genuine understanding first and foremost. Then you can move towards deciding when and how you may want to start addressing and changing certain things in yourself, that perhaps have led to suffering i.e. excessive self-criticisms. You will need to focus a significant amount of time and effort to gradually achieve such a shift. So, initially it may look and feel selfish. This is a constructive type of selfishness though as eventually, those close to you will also stand to benefit from these changes. For example, as you become more self-nurturing, you may discover that you become calmer overall, more tolerant, more accepting, more attentive and responsive to other peoples’ needs. And to be able to do the latter, you need to look after yourself first.
But is it then a ‘weakness’ to be kind, caring and compassionate towards others? Absolutely NOT. Something that is important to remember is that setting very clear boundaries with others is part of being compassionate. So, because you care and you may be interested in other people and their well being, whether this may be a colleague, a friend, a relative, a stranger, it does not mean that you have to tolerate transgressions or any kind of abuse. That would not be compassionate to yourself or to the other person either, as it would be sending a message that it is ok to behave inappropriately. So, boundaries are paramount. Clear and caring assertiveness are also key. Highlighting inappropriate behaviours (depending on setting and context) is also important. It is the WHY and the HOW you are going to do it, that matters. It is one thing to do it, with genuine curiosity, kindness and interest in someone else’s well-being and quite another to do it in anger and with an urge to punish.
Being compassionate is also key if you are in a managerial position too. Employees that feel listened to and cared for, can experience better mental health, being more able to concentrate and be creative and productive. So, it benefits them, their managers, their organisation and their customers/clients. What’s not to like.
From even a bigger picture perspective, I would definitely argue that if anything we need more compassionate, tolerant, accepting people in the world. The hectic lifestyles that we live, play a significant role adding to daily stress levels, dissatisfaction and exhaustion that any shred of kindness and empathy and compassion to our fellow human beings switches off. Watching the news, local, national and international, it seems to me that we have enough bullies, intolerant and selfish people to create wars, discontent and general havoc on all levels of life.
But here is the beauty: I genuinely believe that most human beings are indeed kind and considerate. It is a sometimes vocal minority that ruin things for most. In any case we all have the capacity to improve our own self-compassion and self-care and to then have enough energy and motivation to also look after those around us. And this is how we can transform ourselves and the world for the better. This is the Power of Compassion.
So, look after yourselves. You need it, you deserve it, especially if you feel you don’t. And those around you too, who also happen to be human beings like you, they also need it. They are not that different to you. We all just found ourselves here, on this planet, at this time, without having any choice about it, in the ‘flow of life’ (as Paul Gilbert often reminds us of).
Diomidis Psomas 